Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Mom used to get offended when I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won’t bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger."
"Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it."
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn’t a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
As I was thinking about my new year's resolutions for 2009, over the night, at 11:00 in the morning, a best buddy of mine sent me some things to ponder. Here's what he sent to me:
10 - Life is sexually transmitted
9 - Fine health is just the minimum possible rate at which one can expire.
8 - Men have two types of sentiments ONLY: Hungry and [keeping hunger for general audiences] is what makes him a sandwich.
7 - Give a person a fish and you provide him for a day. Teach him how to use the internet and he'll never bother you for a month.
6 - Some people are like a feline. Not really work for anything, but you still have to smile when you push them out of your entrance.
5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid soon, lying on a hospital bed dying of nothing.
4 - Let's try to learn something from the weather. It doesn't pay any attention to Criticism.
3 - Why does a minor tax addition cost you $170, and a considerable tax cut saves you $20.
2 - In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and we take Prozac to make it worthwhile to live.
And the Number 1 thought for 2009
We very well know where one cow with Mad-Cow sickness is to be found among millions and millions of cows in USA, but we haven't got a trace as to where millions of illegitimate immigrants and activists are located. I think we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration.