Funny Quotes and Sayings

If you rest, you rust. -- Helen Hayes
I enjoy life. I think I'll enjoy death even more. -- Cat Stevens
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine. -- Flip Wilson
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. -- Joey Adams
I love gentiles. In fact, on of my favorite activities is Protestant spotting. -- Mel Brooks
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. -- Douglas Adams
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. -- W.C. Fields
The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit. -- Somerset Maugham
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. -- Dale Carnegie
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson
You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!
Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
Only two things are necessary to keep ones wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. -- Lyndon B. Johnson
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. -- Groucho Marx
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. -- Bob Hope
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. -- H. L. Mencken
“I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."
"The shortest distance between two points is under construction." -- Noelie Altito.
"Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother." -- Ken Dodd.
"One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a fool" -- Edgar Watson Howe.
“Dogs have Owners, Cats have Staff.”
I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.”