Valentines Day Jokes

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine’s Day.

‘Yes,’ came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, ‘I’ve bought her a belt and a bag.’

‘That was very kind of you,’ Jim added, ‘I hope she appreciated the thought.’

Tony smiled as he replied, ‘So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.’

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Worst thing to say on a first date

I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem … but the last couple of weeks I’ve gotten it under control.

I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden … but could I borrow five hundred dollars?

Go ahead and Super Size – I found spare change in the sofa today.

Something tells me that you’re very special … but with medication I can usually ignore it.

I don’t see my ex-girlfriend that much … thanks to the U.S. Department of Justice.”

Do you want to play doctor? That’ll be five hundred dollars.

Wait till my wife hears about this!

I had a good time tonight. I’d love to see you again in six to eight months with good behavior.

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“There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart!” – Melanie Griffith

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“Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.” – Anonymous

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“I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox!” – Woody Allen

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What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine’s Day?

Ughs and kisses!

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What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine’s Day?
I Love Ewe!

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What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day?
I’m stuck on you!

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Q:What happens when you fall in love with a French chef?
A: You get buttered up.

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Q: What is a vampire’s sweetheart called?
A: His ghoul-friend.

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Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
A: Antelope.

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